Thoughts and Predictions on Hannah’s Season of “The Bachelorette”

The weeks between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are tough ones. How can I bury myself in a world of Instagram influencers by day and listen to podcasts analyzing them by night? I just can’t when this show isn’t on. Luckily, it’s back.

The Bachelorette this time around isn’t from my home state, so I can disentangle my personal pride from my hot take on her ability to carry this coveted role. (By the way, I interviewed Becca for Minnesota Monthly, read it here!)

Was I glad Hannah became the Bachelorette? I had initially guessed “Hannah Beast” would be the villain on Colton’s season, so I will say I find her a bit hard to pin down. After the show set her up as innocent Caelynn’s evil foe from pageant days, and then basically flipped that script, I tried to follow along. Juliet Litman of the Bachelor Party podcast described choosing Hannah as the bachelorette as a fun “wrinkle” in the typical plot line, because Hannah is so hard to understand. I think that about sums it up.

I personally don’t buy into Hannah for her “awkwardness” as a signifier of her being real and vulnerable. She’s still a pageant queen—she has to have decent self-esteem. I like Hannah because she’s freakishly competitive and athletic, and I think she has a sort of psychotic sense of humor. In the promo for her season, she makes a basket on the court over her shoulder while a guy is trying to kiss her. To me, THAT is Hannah. She’s not good at toasts or having the right opinion about things, but if you need her to suddenly learn mixed martial arts, she’s going to nail it.

She’ll do well. Is she as much of a self-aware and witty character as Rachel Lindsay or Kaitlyn Bristowe? No. But she carried her premiere like a pro, and delivered a nice toast, too.

Now that I’ve watched the premiere a couple times, here are my guesses at who goes far.

The Winner

(ABC/Ed Herrera) GARRETT

I picked Garrett as my frontrunner when I read through the cast bios. He’s from Alabama like Hannah, is a pro-golfer and likes going to church. Seems about right for her. Also, I would not be the least bit shocked if guys with the same name won two seasons in a row. Laurens and Hannahs have made a killing on the girl side, so why not Garretts on the boy side? Maybe his faves are less problematic than the last Garrett’s.

When I saw he came out of the limo first, I knew it was a good guess. They don’t mess around with first limo exit!

Top Four

(ABC/Ed Herrera) CONNOR S.

I really have no reason why I picked Connor S. as the season’s runner-up, but I did. He’s 24, he’s an “investment analyst” and he “LOVES Justin Bieber.” He also says he doesn’t speak Spanish, but loves dancing to Spanish music in clubs. You may remember him as the guy who jumped the wall for Hannah in his intro. I’ve got no argument here, but I just think he’ll go far. And I think America will like him.

(ABC/Craig Sjodin) MIKE

Points for Mike:

He’s an Air Force vet. You have to be super legit to get into the Air Force, from my layman’s knowledge.

He’s 31, so prob ready for marriage.

He likes “krav maga and going to trampoline parks,” so he’ll vibe well with Hannah’s intense athleticism.

He’s a portfolio manager, as are like all the guys on this show, somehow. But he’s 31, so probably gets better ROI than a 24-year-old.

Next Bachelor potential? Maybe.

(ABC/Ed Herrera) PETER

The franchise really screwed up when they didn’t make Peter the Bachelor after Rachel’s season. Rumor is, many contestants on Arie’s season called Arie “#notpeter” when cameras were off. They want to get it right with a Peter this time around. This 27-year-old pilot showed up in uniform, which impressed Hannah but also her spy friend, Demi. His babyface may throw some off, but I think he has potential.

Fifth Place?

(ABC/Ed Herrera) LUKE P.

Everyone hates Luke P. so far but Hannah. Sure, he said God himself appeared to him in the shower and let him know he wasn’t living his life right (he was sleeping with too many women). But I also think, maybe that’s his own personal way of figuring out how to grow up? I dunno … Maybe I’m forgiving him cuz he looks like Zach from Saved by the Bell. I think he’ll be a villain for sure, but maybe in a fun way, like Corinne from Nick’s season. Maybe we’ll get to meet the person who makes his cheese pasta. We’ll see!

The Villain

(ABC/Ed Herrera) JOHN PAUL JONES

John Paul Jones is a true psychopath. In the shots leading up to the limo exits, he whoops and screams in a self-entitled, sort of scary way that only blonde frat boys can. He seems to assume that Hannah will be his. When he meets her, he tells her that she can call him, “John Paul Jones.” He looks like the evil, lost Hanson brother, and I think he’ll be good T.V.

Most Likely to Be the Next Grocery Store Joe

(ABC/Ed Herrera) MATT D.

Becca didn’t give a rose to “Grocery Store Joe,” but apparently America loved him enough that he ended up on Paradise, and now he lives with the smart, weird, cool Kendall. Now everyone’s trying to peg the next guy the Bachelorette will cruelly overlook. My vote is for Matt Donald. I loved his intro, where he sang “Old McDonald” with his own name and subbed in the word “bro” for animals. It was sincere and weird, and the other guys sang along, drunkenly acknowledging their bro-hood. Plus, the backstory about him speaking in sign language to his deaf parents was cute. Bring him back!

Anyway, in my last prediction, I was wrong on a few counts. I thought Hannah G. would win. I thought Hannah B. would be the villain. And I thought Cassie would be the Bachelorette. But they all ended up major contenders, so hopefully my guesses will pan out again. My rule of “pick the obvious” has worked before, so we’ll see if it does this season.

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