Important Work: I Ranked Every Flavor of RXBAR

Chances are, you, like me, enjoy eating your human sustenance crammed into little dense nuggets called “bars.” Why? They are slightly reminiscent of the candy variety of “bars,” but feel less bad for you and are easy to eat on airplanes. They’re food as God himself intended it, I assume. Since embarking on a quest to be a healthier person in 2016, I have searched high and low for a bar that I could order in bulk on Amazon and turn to whenever I don’t feel like preparing actual food.

Then, one day, I grabbed an RXBAR on my way out of Trader Joe’s. While I didn’t really like that it contained egg whites (weird), I did like its sexy packaging. When I finally ate it, my mind was blown. It tasted like a BROWNIE and also contained a really healthy balance of protein, fats and carbs. That’s hard to find unless you eat paleo bars that taste like expired bird food. I quickly ordered myself a variety pack so I could decide which RXBAR I want to eat every day for the rest of my life. Here are my findings, presented in an official ranking:

1. Blueberry

I know blueberry seems basic, but bear with me. This flavor tastes like cookie dough, or like blueberry muffin mix. It’s the softest and overall best.

2. Chocolate Sea Salt

This is the one I grabbed at Trader Joe’s that turned me onto the whole brand. I felt very suspicious that something that tasted like straight-up brownies could contain 12g of protein and only 210 calories, but I think it must or else the FDA would get mad. It’s definitely a keeper.

3. Peanut Butter

While this bar was a bit stickier than I prefer, its salty flavor gets more addictive as you eat it. It kind of tastes like those fancy caramels at the co-op checkout counter, except presumably it is less likely to ruin your teeth.

4. Maple Sea Salt

Salt on my energy bars was something I never knew I wanted until now. It just works. This flavor is caramelly and good, but harder than the other three. I also just enjoy how Canadian it is.

5. Mint Chocolate

This flavor contains tiny chunks of “cacao,” which made me question the fundamental premise of the packaging. Nowhere does it say “10 Cacao Nibs” in the sassy list on the front. This caused me to realize there is a full ingredient list on the back of the package, which is often longer than the one on the front. What gives? Where does B.S. fit into this equation? Either way, this flavor is good, mostly because it contains chocolate chips. (Note: This bar is STILL Whole30 compliant. I initially said it wasn’t and apologize to all who thought they had to start over. 😱)

6. Coconut Chocolate

This is a sturdy, solid flavor. If you can’t get enough coconut oil and coconut butter, you’re going to like this one. If you think coconut tastes like sunscreen, you’re not.

7. Coffee Chocolate

I personally got pooped out on coffee-flavored sweets after polishing off my 20th box of Caribou Coffee popsicles as a kid. That may mean I am biased against this flavor.


8. Pumpkin Spice

I was really excited about this flavor. I am basic like that. All I remember after eating it was thinking, “I don’t want to do that again.” So bring your pumpkin spice addiction elsewhere.

9. Apple Cinnamon

I love apple cinnamon, in theory. It is, after all, my second favorite flavor of Quaker Oatmeal, after “Banana Bread,” which THERE ARE NEVER A FAIR AMOUNT OF IN A VARIETY BOX. This love for both apples and cinnamon only set me up for bitter disappointment. This flavor tastes like if a red Airhead was made out of healthy ingredients, but bad.

There you have it! RXBARs definitely excel in saltiness, masking the presence of egg whites, and giving you a whopping 12g of protein for only 210 calories. I hope I helped some people who like “bars” accelerate the process of landing on one they’ll love.