Thoughts and Predictions on Colton’s “Bachelor” Season

Hoorah. I now feel whole again as “Bachelor nation” has awoken from its slumber. My recap podcasts are back, my hairdresser has OPINIONS and my mother-in-law has spoilers (which I reject!).

I had to watch the premiere twice to discover that I had accidentally lumped Hannah B., Caelynn, Caitlin, Cassie and Hannah G. together in my mind as one powerful blonde “frontrunner.” I was surprised to find out this contestant was actually 5 different people. What a world!

Fun note: I thought Colton and Garrett were the same person for about half of Becca’s season, which is actually crazy since they don’t look alike at all. They just seemed like the same genus of “hunting and/or sports bro who Becca really likes.”

Am I … face blind? This show tests that limit for me on purpose, it would seem.

Ok, let’s get down to talking points.

1. Colton as the Bachelor—Good or Bad?

Unpopular opinion but I actually wanted Colton to be the Bachelor. Why? I can’t stand when the Bachelor is not “good TV.” To me, being “good TV” means being hot and famous-seeming enough that women will do anything to get with you. By this definition, Arie was bad TV. A lot of the women on his season called him #NotPeter behind his back. (Other fun fact: I actually met Peter. You can just go to one of his fitness classes. He’s definitely good TV!)

The dreamy Peter, of Rachel’s season. Should have been the Bachelor but does not “believe in the process.”

Colton is unusually attractive, even for a reality TV-type person. But his true power is making himself seem accessible. His first way of doing this is being a virgin. Like, “I’m this hot, but I’m not getting any.” His second way is showing that he was a fat kid. Me tooooo. His third way is being nervous all the time. This might seem fumbly-jumbly to people who expect hot guys to act like hot guys, but seeming this relatable when you look like that is an ART! (See, Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt.) Colton is more masterful than we give him credit for.

2. Colton Being a Virgin

This annoys a lot of people because it’s such a #TalkingPoint and when prime time TV takes on something like virginity, it gets #Problematic fast. But to me, it’s kind of a null issue. Expecting The Bachelor to not find a hot button issue to approach haphazardly is a fool’s errand. Just look how it handles race. It’s actually kind of funny to me how the whole Bachelor ecosystem is cheering Colton on to have sex already. I’m just relieved they’re not doing it with an after-school special focus on STD pictures and promise rings.

Also, do I really think he’s a virgin? Noooooo … but maybe??

To me, the real turnoff is how much of a starf@#$er Colton is. Is he here for the right reasons? Or to temporarily date a pageant queen? My worry is it’s the second thing.

3. Who will win?

I have been in Bachelor fantasy leagues and done quite well by following my rule I call “pick the most obvious person.” This allowed me to correctly pick Vanessa for Nick and Garrett for Becca. By this rule, I’m going to assume he picks Hannah G.

According to her ABC profile, she “enjoys being a foodie and glamping” and “has a ‘sassy’ cat named Marleigh.” Sounds like Colton’s dream girl.

4. Who will be the villain?

My bet is on Hannah B. The most insecure pageant girl on the show, she seems low-key psychotic.

5. Who will be the next Bachelorette?

I’m sorry to make this post a sea of blondes who almost look the same. But I do think that’s one of the (predictable) themes of Colton’s season. I would put my money on Cassie being the next bachelorette, mostly just because the producers seem to focus on her constantly, even though Colton hasn’t paid her much attention yet. That said, predicting the next Bachelor/ Bachelorette has proved impossible for me. Who could have predicted Arie? Or Becca? Colton is more predictable than either of them, so who knows.

Anyway, those are my initial thoughts. Only the mysterious nature of reality TV will let me know if I’m correct.

Final fun fact: I got to interview Becca for Minnesota Monthly recently. She was sweet. Read it here! (Also, when I posted the link on my Facebook, my own sister said she thought Becca was ME for a second. I know that’s a flex but I feel compelled to point it out. Is Becca to me like Caelynn is to Caitlin? Just maybe …)