The Bachelor Episode 5: Whipped Cream and Lies

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Campfire Dramz

Like a boring and dull spinoff of Waiting for Godot, Taylor and Corinne continue talking in circles about life, love and Intro to Psych terms. As they talk, their brows both become increasingly creased, until they collapse. Corinne scampers off to tell Nick that everyone hates Taylor and he kisses her for “showing maturity.” If Nick sends Taylor home because of this, I will never consider him remotely smart again.

Choice line: “She thinks she’s entitled to like whatever she thinks she’s entitled to.”

Enchanted Rose Ceremony

Nick’s starting to get serious about some ladies, and has to make some “hard choices.” He gives roses to Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne and Taylor.

Sarah and Astrid are sent home. His loss, cuz Sarah is cute as heck.

Rachel Races Ahead

“Where have you beignet all my life?” Nick asks Rachel in her New Orleans-themed 1-on-1 date card.  Finally, it’s her turn.

Rachel is probably the most eligible of all the Bachelorettes, what with being a successful attorney who can fit into American Apparel leotards. (Also, let’s not forget, she sings to her vacuum to relax — extremely relatable.) Watching Nick with Rachel makes me forget that he might be dumb and also poorly dressed.

They have dinner in a warehouse full of Mardi Gras stuff, which is kinda weird since New Orleans has some of the best restaurants in the country.

“I’m already breaking rules here, but I’m super into you,” Nick says. He spends most of the date seemingly prepping to ask Rachel’s dad for permission to marry her. Whoa. I think this just officially became a race between Rachel and Vanessa.

Till Death Do Us Part: A Group Date! 

Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, Danielle L. and Nick head to a haunted house. The caretaker’s name is Boo, although he is not as cute as Boo, world’s cutest dog. He orients the ladies to the spookiness at hand. Apparently, this plantation is haunted not by slavery, but by a little girl named Mae.

At this point I’m feeling like a cemetery tour would have been a better idea for a “death do us part” date, but I am not the President of Bachelor Nation.

As they start the game, or whatever it is, Vanessa refuses to play with the ouija board. She just got uninvited from my slumber party!

After lots of bumps in the night, Danielle M. gets the rose. As it’s happening, I feel that somewhere, a Shondaland casting agent is watching this and we will see her as a side character on Grey’s Anatomy next season.

Side note: Dresses that expose the entirety of one upper thigh keep appearing on this show. Do the producers hand these out?

TAYLOR VS. CORINNE

We all know by now that Corinne is going to win in this battle for Nick’s coveted rose. After all, we haven’t heard the previewed line yet about her “vagine” being made of platinum yet.

As some kind of metaphor for how scary Nick finds them both, the trio go alligator spectating in the bayou. In the woods, they’re approached by a voodoo priestess, and Corinne flinches as if she’s a vampire a little too close to garlic.

The tarot reader tells Taylor “not to engage” with a toxic situation, which is actually good advice. Corinne asks her how she can make a voodoo doll specific to a person, and the priestess gives her one.

So far, this is way more boring than Chad’s showdown with Alex on JoJo’s season. Corinne just doesn’t have as much villain charisma, although I feel certain she will mate with him and their child will be psychotic.

As the mosquitos come out in full force, Corinne gets the rose. This cements that Nick lacks a lot of, as Taylor would say, “emotional intelligence.” That said, Taylor is 13 years younger than Nick and they don’t have any chemistry, so it was only a matter of time for her.

As Nick and Corinne kiss in a tiny boat at sunset, she clutches her voodoo doll against her rose. It’s eerily reminiscent of when Prince Eric kisses Ursula disguised as a human in The Little Mermaid.

Choice line: “Their relationship would be built off of whipped cream and lies!”

leckybang

Becky Lang is a writer and creative director in Minneapolis.

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About Me

I'm Becky, a creative director and writer living in Minneapolis.

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