We’re not done with Taylor yet. She has to come back and diagnose everyone’s personalities one more time. Nick takes her outside and hears what she has to say (which isn’t much), and then bids her adieu. He can’t wait to get back to drinking light beer with Corinne.
“It had everything to do with where my heart was in those relationships,” Nick explains. I think he means a different organ, but also, Nick is not very smart.
Choice quote: “Cats have nine lives, and bitches have two.”
No cocktail party tonight. No POOL party either. This is serious business. No time for bouncy houses. In a quick, no-nonsense ceremony, Jaimi, Alexis and Josephine are sent home. This ruins our theory that the producers might be controlling who stays for the sake of good TV, otherwise we would have squeezed way more out of Alexis.
To St. Thomas!
Kristina gets the coveted 1-on-1 date on the sexy and sandy island of St. Thomas. Nick asks her if she misses speaking in Russian, and she responds with, “Da.” He looks very confused because he’s not smart. She should have said “vodka” or “babushka” so he could have nodded.
Finally, over cold steak, we get to hear Kristina’s backstory. We learn that she grew up hungry (she had to resort to eating lipstick at some point) and then ended up in an orphanage. A teacher told her “If you stay in Russia your life will be in black and white. If you go to America, it will be in color.” I hope Donald Trump is watching right now.
Nick cries, and now I kind of like him again. I’m so confused.
Life’s a Beach: Group Date
Corinne, Jasmine, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven and Danielle M. hit the beach with Nick. This is an all-star date here. Nick needs to see them all their bikinis before he knows what his “heart” truly wants.
While playing volleyball should be fun, it goes south because everyone is very drunk and angry. Did the crew forget to feed them? This is how I act when I’m on a diet. Jasmine even knocks Corinne over, which she actually handles well. Maybe because her narcolepsy is kicking in and she wants to lay down anyway.
The women quickly scatter to go cry on kayaks far away from their competitors. Nick is very confused, maybe because he did get to have lunch while they weren’t looking.
Jasmine starts to spiral out of control and mimes choking Nick. What is happening? Nick decides it’s time to end her misery. We’ll miss you, Jasmine.
Choice Quote: “If Jasmine was a vegetable, she’d be a turnip, because she’s turned all the way up.”
2-on-1 Surprise: Danielle L. vs. Whitney
Our hometown girl Whitney has long been dark horse on this show. We never thought her first moment to shine would be in a high stakes 2-on-1.
D. Lo (as we learn she’s called) is not so happy about the situation. What is happening?
As Nick contemplates life and love, we get to view his super funky shorts. They are very Coachella. After he lets Whitney go, she mourns and we note her middle part. Only the prettiest of women can pull off a middle part. You’ll be ok, Whitney.
As we return to Danielle, we realize this was his chance to get a sneaky second date with her. But as she professes her love once again, Nick gets sad/guilty face. I love how transparent his face is. It kinda tricks me into thinking he’s a good person?? But sweat trickles down his brow and we know he’s not happy. He doesn’t feel the same. Our time with D. Lo is coming to a close. The objectively foxiest woman this season is going home.
I respect Nick for being upfront here, but how is his heart still saying yes to Corinne unless he is dumb? This will have to remain an ongoing investigation …
As Danielle’s suitcase is wheeled away, it becomes clear that only frontrunners are left. Whoa. Maybe next week they’ll move the rose ceremony back to the end. That would be nice.
Nick sheds some tears as he makes every remaining contestant feel insecure. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he cries. Get your tissues out for next week folks.
Also, while I was watching, I decided to list what I think the top ladies are going to do after The Bachelor:
Danielle L: Share makeup tutorials on YouTube.
Alexis: Start a podcast and/or possibly do something involving Chris Hardwick.
Jaimi: I could see her becoming an MTV or VH1 VJ.
Josephine: Try to become famous by putting a shelter cat on Instagram.
Kristina: I feel like Donald Trump will try to ensnare her in something involving reality TV, hot babes and Russia.
Jasmine: Go on Dancing with the Stars.
Vanessa: Attempt to become a Real Actress.
Rachel: Marry Nick??????? And/or become a judge.
Whitney: Become the Kayla Itsines of pilates.
Danielle M.: Join Shondaland.
Astrid: Be an underwear model? I dunno.
Corinne: Start a subscription underwear box company.