The Bachelor Episode 4: Waukesha

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The Pool Party’s OVER

All of last week’s fancy-free gyrating in the bouncy house has screeched to a halt. Now, in the cold light of day, there’s nothing left but Vanessa, slapping Nick back into reality with her icy line of questioning. She would be a great talk show host.

Meanwhile, the case for Corinne having narcolepsy continues to build as we see her snoozing once again. (Does she really snore that much or do they add that as a silly sound effect?) The nap doesn’t last long, because Sarah and Taylor swoop in to wake her up with the severity of their harsh vibes.

Later, in a Regina George moment, Corinne whines, “Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?”

Rose Ceremony

Nick thanks the girls for being candid with him, but then, with a series of blinks says, “Because of the rules of reality TV, I cannot yet get rid of Corinne.” The girls all nod in acknowledgement, as every contestant on The Bachelor is a native speaker in this language.

Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Vanessa, Astrid, Danielle, Danielle, Jaimi, Josephine and Sarah get roses. As everyone holds their breath, Corinne gets the final, warning rose. We lose Christen and Brittany. Goodbye to our house mom and scantily clad Eve!

Corinne gives a toast, but she might actually be sleepwalking and just mumbling out of the side of her mouth. It’s hard to tell.

Going Home Already?!

Knowing his popularity with America has dipped, the producers send Nick home to talk to his mom. She’s the most likable thing about him, and we all know this.

Because of the heartbreak of watching Nick get dumped by Andi and Kaitlyn, Nick’s mom has become punk rock. She now has a Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday vibe, yet she is still able to induce crying in Nick with her own tears. Awwwwwww.

Danielle L.’s Big Date

For his big 1-on-1, he spurns Rachel yet again and picks Danielle. I placed Danielle in the final four and I’m feeling pretty good about that right now.

After frosting cookies, they run into Nick’s ex, which is weirrrrrd. But Nick does like pointing out girls he’s had sex with to girls he’s interested in, so this is in keeping with Nick. The ex, Amber, says things that will reassure America about Nick. It’s very scripted!

They sit on a hill together and Nick continues to tell Danielle about all the touching and kissing he’s done with girls. You don’t need to do this Nick!

Danielle reveals that she didn’t Google Nick before coming on the show, and he likes this so much that he gives her a rose.

Group Date

Everyone but Raven gets picked for a group date.

I think I’m psychic, because last week on the podcast I was envisioning Whitney as the perfect hero for an equestrienne novel series. Now, the contestants are headed to a dairy farm, and Whitney is in horseback-riding boots, just as I envisioned. It works! Nick hugs her today. Our hometown girl is making progress, slowly bur surely.

On the farm, the contestants have to milk cows and shovel poop. Corinne isn’t sure what a cow, a shovel, or a chore even are. I recall Nick’s very sad quote last week about how Corinne appreciates fun and laughter and if he is lucky enough to get engaged, he hopes it’s with someone who likes fun and laughter. Have fun continuing to rationalize this one!

Later, all the women confront Corinne, as per usual. When she tells Nick about this, he relates, because everyone on his seasons hated him. Maybe they … are a perfect match.

Raven’s Big Date

The best Nashville character on this season, Raven, gets picked to guest star on an early hometown date. Together, they play soccer and hang with Nick’s family.

Nick’s adorable little sister, Bella, is a young woman now, which shows how long Nick has been doing this. Can’t wait for her season as bachelorette! Bella grills Raven at the skating rink while Nick skates by several times trying to get them to notice him. They don’t.

Because of her Samantha vibe, Raven gets Bella’s coveted seal of approval. 

Later, we get to learn about Raven’s Nashville-esque breakup, where she found her doctor boyfriend in flagrante with another woman. “I actually saw her vagina,” she says.

She’s definitely a gem. (And gets the rose, duh.)

Still, none of this is as steamy as Priyanka Chopra yelling at Nick during the commercials.

Later …

Back with the group, Josephine comforts Corinne as she complains about Taylor. More importantly, they cannot keep their hands off the cheese curds. Welcome to the midwest, ladies! I have a really hard time caring about the Taylor vs. Corinne beef. Corinne has a disease that makes her wrists not work, and that’s why she can’t scoop poop OR dance, so let’s be nice to her.

Alexis signs off the show by revealing that Raven is an alien. Just another week in Bachelor Nation.