Bachelor Recap Episode 3: Backstreet Girls!

(ABC/Rick Rowell)

Podcast recap below, ft. co-host Caroline Olstad.

A House Scandalized

As we return to the house, Nick is getting some choice words from contestants who aren’t thrilled about the big Liz reveal. I don’t get it. Shouldn’t they be happy that he sent her home? Are they mad he hooked up with someone nine months ago? I think they’re actually mad about the smug way Nick said, “We had sex.” He looked like a kid admitting that he ate his brother’s ice cream—sorry not sorry!

Corinne and the Saga of the Whipped Cream

Hellooooo how could I write more than like five words without talking about Corinne? She kicked off the show by plotting once again to “one up” the other girls through  a display of public nudity. She shows up for the cocktail party wearing nothing but a Paddington Bear suit, wielding Reddi Whip in her manicured little claw.

Nick is tantalized at first, but then tells her no, they shan’t! Not now! This sends Corinne to the bathroom, where she cries off her mascara and radios her nanny for help on her walkie talkie.

What has this show come down to? I feel like it’s a 7th-grade game of Never Have I Ever that ends in pregnancy.

The Rose Ceremony? More Like the Nap Ceremony

Corinne, not getting the memo that you’re supposed to attend the rose ceremony even if you already have a rose, sleeps right through it with her rose out as a big F.U. This shot is almost as funny as Chad eating meat sticks during JoJo’s rose ceremony. Also, is Corinne narcoleptic? I’m starting to think so.

We say goodbye to some lovely ladies, including Hailey, Elizabeth W. and Corinne’s bestie, Lacey. We hardly knew ye.

Group Date Time!

Hold onto your tattoo choker. The Backstreet Boys are here and they need some baaaackup daaaanceeeerrs. I can’t wait to see how many of them get to hold Corinne’s boobs. I’m guessing at least three.

Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Corinne and Jasmine are the lucky ladies chosen to hang with the B-Boys. Corinne gets incredibly intimidated by Danielle L.’s cute dance outfit/moves and scuttles off to the bathroom to cry again.

It’s about to get worse for our Christina Aguilera look-alike. She has to watch Danielle get serenaded by the band while Nick grabs her bum.

Humbled, Corinne apologizes to Nick for sleeping through his rose ceremony. He accepts, and then she squeals, “I made Corinne great again!” We all knew she was a Trump supporter.

Danielle becomes the first contestant to use the winning phrase, “I could see myself falling in love with you.” Episode three ladies and gents.

While Nick is busy grabbing more rear ends, Corinne reveals to the others that she has a nanny named Raquel. It’s cool though. She makes “cheese noodles” in a way Corinne just can’t master.

Danielle, surprising no one, gets the rose.

Vanessa Defies Gravity with Nick

Finally, sexy polyglot and Bond girl Vanessa gets her solo date. The agenda: take an anti-gravity plane ride.

Ok, this looks extremely fun. You get to wear a Livestrong bracelet, a sanitary worker jumpsuit and yellow socks, and somersault around like you’re in space. It’s a romantic riot, until Vanessa gets the pukies. Luckily Nick is really sweet about it. That might cement their relationship actually. Puking does that.

It’s clear on this date, Nick has warped into good Nick, not handsy Nick. He even sheds a tear! Stay in this mode Nick, or else we might not all make it to the end of this thing.

The Nickathlon

Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominque get to compete in a “Nickathlon.” I’m so glad Nick’s gotten ok with corniness in his journey to Bachelorhood. Can you imagine Andi-season Nick doing any of this?

After some pole vaulting and long jumping, Rachel, Alexis and Astrid move onto the second round of the Nicklimpics. The winner gets to go in the hot tub with Nick. Rachel wins the race, but Astrid smashes the wedding ring prize (???), which I guess matters. It’s a mess either way.  Astrid goes ahead and climbs in the tub. Does she kind of suck? Quite possibly.

Nick forgets to pay extra attention to Dominique during all this, so she freaks out and he sends her home. Rachel gets the rose instead of Astrid. Are we liking Nick again? I’m so confused.

POOL PARTY

Nick doesn’t want a cocktail party. WHAT?? He wants a pool party. [TAKES OFF CLOTHES] YAY!!! Corinne succeeds in once again drawing out “bad Nick” and all the other contestants stand together and frown. This woman is like a drug! One dose of Corinne will bring out your inner douchebag. Side effects: Vanessa grilling you, intense gossip, and cold sores.

Will Corinne’s jig be up soon? We’ll find out next week!

More Stories
Movies I Watch with My Dog: Paper Towns