My Ideal Diet


Introducing the Trust Your Gut diet. It’s really easy to follow, and will make you a perfect human. Just follow the instructions below.

-Science has proven that dairy has mystical properties, including making your bones strong, your teeth white and your Instagram really cool. Try adding milk to your coffee or eating cheese samples whenever you can. Don’t forget to only eat the full-fat Greek yogurt because that’s the best kind and food is supposed to be good.

-It is impossible to be full without carbohydrates. Make sure you have crackers, granola and bread in your house at all times. Carbs definitely don’t make a sugary paste that sits between your teeth for hours either, we promise.

-Sugar is not hidden in everything, like hot sauce or canned tomatoes. That would be crazy! Sugar is low in calories and won’t rot your teeth if you brush ’em real quick. Have sugar when you’re around nice moms or at birthday parties. Listen closely for the toodle of an ice cream truck. That’s the sound of sugar making its way to you!

-Alcohol doesn’t actually have calories. That is a myth confirmed by a bunch of cute and fit college kids who party it up while looking like Hollister models. Beer in particular is low in calories, especially the craft beers that are high-proof and holiday-themed. Seasonal beers from the local brewery actually have negative calories, like celery.

-Trying on makeup looks you saw on YouTube burns a lot of calories, so for every hour you spend doing this you can eat an extra dessert.

-When unsure what to eat, try a spoonful of peanut butter. That’s what astronauts eat, and is essentially the perfect food.