It’s been a cold, Grinchy winter thanks to Donald Trump, but January 2nd has given us all hope. As of today, The Bachelor is back. This time, the show’s creators are out to prove to men everywhere that they too can be the Bachelor if they just watch the show very carefully and plot out their own master narrative of downfall and redemption.
This seasons’ bachelor is no regular bro who likes Mich Goldens and the Lumineers. Instead, he’s a chess master of reality TV, a dorky duckling turned suave swan, twice dumped yet always ready for love. To the great displeasure of moms everywhere, Nick Viall is back. Plus, he’s buffer than ever. He’s ready to gossip, mumble and possibly face some karma. Yay!
The lineup of women is impeccable this season. They’re a bit older than the average bachelorette lineup, often working in public health, and quite possibly more diverse than ever. This is no circus this time around. It’s a respectable dating show. Sugar Bear Hair.
But nothing can be too easy for a guy as divisive as Nick. Before he gets to meet his sparkling ladies in mostly red, he has to get some tough love from previous Bachelors. We’ve got Ben, Chris and Sean ready to dole out some generic advice, like, “trust yourself.” Ok! Later on, Chris makes a joke about small peckers and everyone is like, “Who are you? We thought you were Chris Harrison. You were a Bachelor??”
Then we get to see some hometown footage of select ladies who are probably going to be more important than others later. There’s Rachel, 31, an attorney who likes to let loose by singing to her vacuum at night. At this point all the women watching at home who are older than 28 were like YESSSS!!! THAT IS ALSO MY IDEA OF FUN NOW.
We meet Danielle, who owns a nail salon and Vanessa, an Italian woman by way of Canada who has no idea she’s going to marry Chris Hemsworth someday. We also meet Josephine, who talks to her cat even though she’s only 24 and has no excuse yet, and Raven, who likes “family, faith and football.”
Then we meet Corinne, who ****spoiler alert**** is probably going to be the Olivia of this season. She’s super hot, has a nanny (?), owns her dad’s business so she thinks she’s important and likes to steal Nick’s a) time b) kisses. We also find out later that she likes to give out tokens for Nick to redeem, so she’s definitely going to have a super weird quid pro quo relationship with whoever she ends up with.
Then the show reveals a treat just for Nick. They found someone who slept with him at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and wants to talk about it. That’s their revenge for him asking Andi Dorfman why she made love to him. Touché! It’s Liz, who looks a lot like a lot of the other girls (read: Vanessa, Whitney), but is a DOULA, which is kind of cool. She’s ready to test Nick and see if he remembers her. I guess we sort of care about this drama.
It’s time to meet the ladies! The greetings are full of the usual hijinks, including live animals, literal finger licking, hot dog sharing, white gloves that might go in private parts (?) and speaking in other languages. The most JoJo-esque move was performed by Alexis, an aspiring dolphin trainer, who shows up dressed as a shark.
ABC/Rick Rowell
You’re thinking what I’m thinking. This woman will soon be missing at least one hand from trying to land a ring on the snout of a shark. She’s got to get down the basic anatomical differences between the two, or she shall surely perish. But for now, she’s safe on dry land, where her costume game immediately lands her the role of “funny person.” “I dolphinately can’t wait to meet you inside,” she says. I can’t wait for her tell-all memoir.
Corinne gives Nick a sack of “tokens” that he can redeem for whatever, but just can’t wait. She gives him a big kiss and then immediately becomes the most hated person on the show. In the trailer for next week, she says, “My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum.” She’s clearly awful, but at least she talks about her vagina in a Borat voice.
The coveted first impression rose goes to Rachel, our attorney friend who likes to sing to her vacuum. An immediate frontrunner, she may have the potential to break the franchise’s awful track record with contestants of color. But that will probably stay awful forever, cuz America!
A close second for Nick’s first impression was Vanessa, who is a Jennifer Love Hewitt-caliber man magnet.
Finally, Nick hands out roses. These ladies get one: Vanessa, Danielle L., Kristin, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth W., Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Whitney, Dominque, Jaimi, Brittany, Liz.
Phew! Do you kinda have to pee by now? Because Nick really looked like he had to pee by the end of the night. He didn’t even get to slip away during a McDonald’s commercial like we did.
Ok, time to make a few new bets here:
Most likely to win it all:
I retract my initial guess of Whitney, even though she’s Minnesotan and a pilates teacher. I am now going to guess Vanessa. Although she might buzz off in favor of Chris Hemsworth. In that case it could be Rachel.
Most likely to be the hottest lady on Bachelor in Paradise this summer:
Danielle L.
Most likely to literally wilt from the drama:
Danielle M.
Most likely to be in the next Diablo Cody movie:
Alexis
Possible next Bachelorette:
Sarah
Ok that’s enough for tonight! Till next week. Stay thirsty Bachelor nation.
P.S. make sure you subscribe to my Bachelor recap podcast with my sis-in-law Caroline Olstad! She’s on vacation this week so we officially start next week but listen to our season preview below.