Chad the psychopathic beefcake from the latest season of The Bachelorette is one of the best reality TV characters of our time. When he’s not eating rolled-up deli meat during a tense moment, he’s threatening to murder everyone’s family or dropkicking water bottles into a shopping cart. There’s never a dull moment in the life of Chad.
Informed by countless hours spent studying the Chad on Snapchat/The Bachelorette/The Bachelor in Paradise, I have made a Chad Guide to Life. Play the game by Chad’s rules, and you will surely be ripped and drunk and a bit lonely, but all the more famous for it.
When in trouble: Mutter “dolla dolla bill y’all” over and over.
When confronted with piles of food: Jazzhands your fingers in front of it while listening to the Teen Party playlist on Spotify. Throw in some pills (steroids [?], protein) as confetti.
When intoxicated with a lady friend: Shake her while yelling, “I’ve got muscles. I’ve got muscles!” Dance and yell, “I’ve got so much pro-TEIN!” Call her a b!tch and a c-nt before she gets too charmed, though.
When your phone is in your hand: Point it at your crotch. Gyrate. Add to Snap Story.
When you think about what you love in life: Point one thing you love at another thing you love. For example, you could point your gun at your dog. Aren’t they great?
When you encounter natural occurrences of bullying in life or nature: Pick the bigger bully and affectionately relate to it/ cheer it on, whether it’s a big kid harassing a tiny kid or a dog chasing ducks.
When you’ve lost weight: Snap that scale. (Kim Kardashian would co-sign on that one.)
When you’ve finished a bottle of Jack Daniels after a full day of day trading: Wash it down with some protein powder and end the night by eating eggs in the tub. What the fuck else are you gonna do?
When your bro warns you that your behavior is out of control: Tell that pussy to quit trying to get un-murdered.
When everyone starts to really dislike you: Be cute with your recently deceased mother’s dog so that they feel confused. Then feed that dog some pro-TEIN!