Bachelorette Recap: Fantasy Suites!


In this episode, JoJo brings all her guys to Thailand to find out what’s under the hood in the fantasy suites. Let’s stop to give JoJo props on focusing on South America and Asia for her whirlwind romantic travels. I knew I liked her!

Thailand was a beautiful scene for apparently trying to have three (!) serious, physical, “in love” relationships at a time. Even more than that, it was the perfect place for monkeys to drink eye drops and 7-Up while JoJo giggles. My main critique was that this episode did not focus MORE on monkeys trying to steal the final rose.

This time, JoJo has to get rid of Jordan, Robby or backup Jordan, Chase. As I said before, I only recently realized Chase wasn’t just B-roll of Jordan during his mumblier moments. He’s handsome, dashing even, looks just like Jordan, and is boring. Jordan is JoJo’s favorite, but he makes her feel insecure. She’s kept Chase around just in case his/Jordan’s are indeed the physical traits she wants to pass on to her offspring.

This episode, Robby persisted in being early to acknowledge important relationship milestones. He seems to have figured out that JoJo is insecure, and that if he wears enough white pants and gets ahead of those insecurities, he can win! This strategy seems a bit fake to me, but I generally don’t care for Robby.

I’m a firm member of #TeamJordan, as I’ve said before. Not only is Jordan the most real/dreamy, he also clearly likes JoJo the most. They just have that undeniable chemistry that makes you want to watch a whole Disney movie about them. It’d be a sporty movie involving lots of face paint and cheese dip, but it’d be wholesome and tanned and toned for sure. Despite Jordan’s clear fondness for her, JoJo continues to be insecure. Why? Jordan may have some very rational doubts about getting engaged to someone in this context.

Then there’s Chase. After spending two very steamy-seeming nights in the fantasy suites with Robby and Jordan, JoJo simply has no mojo left. A few glasses of wine in, she’s not going to be able to just tell Chase she has her period and expect him to go to bed. She’s got to cut out of there early, before his man parts start expecting something.

Unfortunately, she decides to do this just after she’s gotten confirmation that he is in love with her. Chase has never told anyone that he loves them before (which should probably be a red flag in and of itself), but he delivers his profession of love in the least romantic way possible. He tells her he knows it’s a “heavy burden to carry” and that he’s willing to carry it for her. What? He’s not saying he’ll enlist in the National Guard for her. He’s talking about being in love, which last I checked mostly involves fun things like ordering Dominos in pjs and spooning for life.

I don’t blame JoJo for sending him home after that. Unfortunately, he got very salty after that, in a way that scared JoJo. She made sure to put the spotlight back on herself though by crying so hard I had to fast-forward for awhile. We get it, you’re sad! You’re in bootcamp breakup academy! But we’re not watching this show to watch you feel sorry for yourself about getting rid of backup Jordan. Onward!

When Jordan and Robby see they’re the only two at the rose ceremony, they’re psyched. It’s clear they respect/ tolerate/ like one another, which makes them seem like confident, well-adjusted guys. Nice job, JoJo!

Chase rolls back in to talk to JoJo, mostly to redeem himself with America and hopefully earn his chance at being the next bachelor. What he says is nice, but he’s still too mumbly to be the bachelor, so … bye!

I have a bad feeling she’ll pick Robby on Monday’s finale, just because she seems to like lots of reassurance all the time. Robby will give that to her more than Jordan ever will. I’m tempted to advise her to pick the guy she actually likes more and not feel humiliated if he doesn’t propose. We’d respect them for taking more than one night in a “fantasy suite” to get to know one another.

Meanwhile, Chad (realchadjohnson) and Wells’ (wellsadams) Snapchats continue to be just as exciting as this show. I can’t wait for their future careers as drunk, exciting whatevers!