I’ve never watched The Bachelorette or The Bachelor before. The idea of watching a bunch of women fight over one man depressed me, but this year I decided I could definitely tolerate watching a bunch of guys fight over one woman. I turned it on, and was immediately sucked in.
Now, we’re about halfway through, and I’m ready to share my thoughts on JoJo and her musclebound gang of bro-mantics.
1. I like JoJo
Maybe I was ready for this show now because something about JoJo is likable to me. Is it that her name is a type of fried potato I could get at Rainbow foods? Maybe. JoJo’s a little tomboyish, has a sense of humor, puts it all out there and is nice to people’s moms. Plus she likes drinking games. I could hang with her.
2. Her Taste in Guys is Not for Me
She definitely likes guys who wear cowboy hats, pump iron and use hair gel. They seem like the kind of guys who probably have someone else pregnant while they’re dating you … ? But yeah, I have become fond of some of them too, more on that later. I did see eye-to-eye with her on Wells. He would do well on a version of The Bachelorette where a female Pitchfork writer is looking for some love. (He also passed out during the fireman exercise, which Jojo was oddly intrigued by.)
3. JoJo is Only Kinda in the Power Position
You’d think that as the lady who picks the men, she’d be fully in control and have very little time to waste wondering who does and does not like her. But instead, she constantly frets over whether guys actually like her or just want to be on T.V. Even in this context she’s still basically waiting to be pursued. Do the male bachelors fret like this?
4. Let’s Talk About the Guys Now. Everything is Less Magical/Horrifying without Chad.
The main thing that sucked me into the show was Chad. A total “Chad,” he is a bodybuilding psychopath who literally eats 24/7. This made me wonder, is dating a bodybuilder like dating a conveyer belt that is constantly delivering deli meat into a mouth? If so, that definitely cancels out the attractiveness of those muscles. Chad is as un-suave as he is violent. In the middle of threatening to hurt or kill someone, he’ll whip out a line like, “Why wouldn’t you drink milk? Milk is delicious.” It’s just the most golden TV.
I now get my Chad fix from his Snapchat (@realchadjohnson). In the last 2 days alone, he’s done all of these things:
-Pointed a gun at a dog
-Salted some meat while shirtless
-Cheered on an older boy mercilessly squirting a very young boy with a squirt gun
-Thrown a bunch of chicken cubes in his mouth while walking
5. She’s Going to Pick Jordan
From the moment she met him, it was pretty clear her favorite guy was Jordan Rodgers, aka Aaron Rodgers’ little brother. He’s a decent guy, he doesn’t have a mumbly voice like Luke, and he actually seems to genuinely like her back.
6. Chase is Her Backup Jordan
I only just realized Chase was a person and not just boring backup footage of Jordan. I mean they look almost exactly the same. He’s basically as handsome as Jordan, but a lot less interesting. LOOK AT THAT RESEMBLANCE! I’m surprised they don’t get themselves mixed up!
7. Robby is Not Ready to Get Married.
I mean just look at him!
8. I Kinda Hope Alex is the Next Bachelor.
Basically the only “problem” with Alex was that he was too short for JoJo. Other than that, he’s a Marine, he’s charming and he loves drama and confrontation. They could have all the girls be really short, just like a “petite” season of Top Model!
… or they could try having a black bachelor, which apparently they’ve never done? (I just Googled this and apparently ABC’s entertainment chief hinted in January that the bachelorette right now would be black. What a lie!) Um, how about Grant who is a FIREMAN?
Firemen unite all women of all backgrounds and tastes. Every woman loves a fireman. Come on ABC!
Ok, I’m sold on this franchise. It can start to fill the hole in my heart that happened when Top Model ended.
What are your thoughts? Who will she pick? Who will be next? Do you like fried potatoes?